(Journal #1: January 23, 2005 Cont’d) Post #10

Still so much to journal after not being on the page for four days.  We’re actually in Scottsdale, Arizona right now at a business conference.  I was in the Word and prayer all that time and now have so much to record that you’ve shown me, Lord.

The day after my birthday I felt led by the Holy Spirit to start a 40-day fast from wine or any type of alcoholic beverage.  I knew I had not abused this at all but I felt like You were showing me how to get ahead of the enemy’s schemes and be ready.  I know the enemy attacks me with fear, and there is so much unknown to me right now.  I will not even allow an opportunity for anything to become a “crutch” for fear.  I will not allow anything to dull my spiritual senses and leave me open to the enemy’s lies that can cause depression or cause me to make negative confessions.  YOU are my source of joy and comfort.  

This is what I heard in my spirit:  “For 40 days and 40 nights, do not drink wine; you lean on Me!”  So that’s what I’m doing, Lord, here at this conference where food and wine abound!

Joel 2:12:  “Yet even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;

Matthew 6:16-18:  “When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face,so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Daniel 10:3:  I ate no delicacies, no meat, or wine entered my mouth, nor did I anoint myself at all, for the full three weeks.

1 Peter 5:7:  Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

Isaiah 26:4:  Trust in the Lord forever; the Lord God is an everlasting rock.

February 8, 2020  (Post #26)

(From Journal #2:  August 12, 2005)

The CT scan back on July 8th was great; thank You, Jesus!  The lymph nodes continue to shrink as the Word eats away cancer.  So, I scan again in November.

Things have been busy this summer and I cannot believe I’ve been away from the journal for so long.  I’ve also allowed distractions to interfere with my study of Your Word.  But then You did what all good parents do:  You corrected me! You brought Proverbs 4:20-22 to my spirit and showed me I had not been attending to Your Word, and You were right.  

I know Your Word.  I believe Your Word.  I speak Your Word.  But lately, I haven’t been getting it before my eyes and in my ears enough.  I’ve been neglecting and not prioritizing my personal Bible study and haven’t been listening to the great teachers I like to follow.  I can’t “coast along” on what I know.  I must attend to Your Word to keep learning and for fresh revelation.  Also, I haven’t been “rejoicing in the Lord always.” I’ve been whining and complaining and focusing on the wrong things.  Forgive me, Lord.  Thank You for loving me enough to discipline and correct.

Proverbs 4:20-22: “My son, attend to My words; incline thine ear unto My sayings. Let them not depart from thine eyes; keep them in the midst of thine heart.  For they are life unto those that find them, and health to all their flesh.”

Hebrews 12:5-6: …“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and He chastens everyone He accepts as His son.”

Proverbs 3:11-12:  My son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor detest His correction;  For whom the Lord loves, He corrects, just as a father the son in whom he delights.

Philippians 4:4:  Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again:  Rejoice!

March 1, 2020   (Post #29)

(From Journal #2:  September 5, 2005)

This mystery pain in my right side continues to bother me?  The doctor ordered x-rays and an ultrasound and things were negative, so I’m very grateful.  I will continue to pray and stand on Your Word which gives me strength.

I’ve been studying the book of Acts lately.  When Paul and Silas were thrown into prison, they prayed and sang hymns to God, which ushered in a miracle!  Even though their circumstances were bad, they continued to stay focused on the Lord.  The other prisoners were listening.  We witness to others when we don’t lose faith in times of crisis and hardship.

Acts 16:26 says, “Suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken; and immediately all the doors were opened and everyone’s chains were loosed.”

Wow!  There is so much in this.  First, I see that more than one foundation was shaken before the prison doors opened.  This shows me there can be more than one issue holding us prisoner in our lives and keeping us from freedom.  But God suddenly shakes us and breaks those foundations so that we can be free from the bondage we’re in!  Praise God!

All at once the prison doors flew open and everybody’s chains came loose.  When I am free, the chains of those around me come loose too because I do affect others by both my bondage and my freedom!  It’s not all about me…

Acts 16:27-34:  And the keeper of the prison, awaking from sleep and seeing the prison doors open, supposing the prisoners had fled, drew his sword and was about to kill himself. But Paul called with a loud voice, saying, “Do yourself no harm, for we are all here.”  Then he called for a light, ran in, and fell down trembling before Paul and Silas. And he brought them out and said, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?”  So they said, “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved, you and your household.”  Then they spoke the word of the Lord to him and to all who were in his house.  And he took them the same hour of the night and washed their stripes.  And immediately he and all his family were baptized. Now when he had brought them into his house, he set food before them; and he rejoiced, having believed in God with all his household.

March 15, 2020   (Post #31)

(From Journal #3:  September 12, 2005)

There’s nothing like cancer to make one reassess our lives about whether we’re fulfilling God’s plan for us?  I know He wants me to paint. I found a wonderful art institute in the town square and began a “beginner’s” art class last week since I’ve not painted in years.  There, I learned about another class I’m joining in a couple of days (that actually started last week) called The Artists’ Way.  I actually already had the book because someone once-upon-a-time had recommended it but I’d never done anything with it.  Isn’t that so like me and so much of my problem?  So many good intentions and desires, but nothing accomplished?

It asks you to do “Morning Pages” which is easy for me because I already journal.The Artists’ Way appears to be a bit like a “12-step AA” program for struggling artists.  That is clearly me; I never have been able to really call myself an artist.  I’ve allowed fear and insecurity to hold me back and make me think I can’t do it, and not qualified or worthy to say, “I am an artist.”  My mind is often my worst foe.  I get off track of what God wants me to do.  I get so overwhelmed by day-to-day “junk” that I never get around to painting.  I feel like a mouse on a wheel; my legs are spinning and I’m working hard but I never get anywhere…

I want and need to feel like I do something that matters. I want to have passion and excitement about my days.  I want to paint beautiful pictures without fear of rejection, without fear of perfection, without fear of any kind.  You have given me part of Your artistic love, but I haven’t fulfilled Your plan.  I want to and choose to!  I believe this class will help me.  I hope to bring You joy by “getting it” and finally allowing You to create beautiful works through my hands on canvas or however You choose.

It’s for Your pleasure, and if others appreciate it, that’s great.  But it’s not for the praises of man I need to pursue.  It’s You I want to bring pleasure and joy to, You! Am I Yourcanvas, Lord?  If I am to fulfill my purpose and plan I must surrender to You, listen to You, and allow You to show me the way.

Exodus 35:31-32:  …and He has filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding, with knowledge and with all kinds of skills to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, in cutting jewels for setting, in carving wood, and to work in all manner of artistic workmanship.

Ephesians 2:10:  For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

Proverbs 22:29:  Do you see a man who excels in his work?  He will stand before kings; he will not stand before unknown men.

April 5, 2020  (Post #34)

(From Journal #3:  September 19, 2005)

I recently bought a very pretty necklace with matching earrings.  While they were costume jewelry, they were very nice and expensive and I couldn’t wait to wear them. So, I wore them to church and had several compliments.  But when a wonderful woman named Kay complimented the jewelry, I heard in my spirit, “Give them to her.”  My immediate reaction was, “Excuse me?  I just bought them!  Surely, I misunderstood You?”  

All week, that thought of “Give them to her” kept popping into my head, so I knew it was the Holy Spirit convicting me.  So, yesterday I wrapped them up and took them to church and gave them to her.  I confess my selfishness that I really liked them and wanted to keep them.  But I am so glad I obeyed You.  Because at the moment I did give them to her, I felt my heart change.  I was glad and really wanted her to have them.  I pray they bless her and bring her joy.

Thank You for blessing me by showing me how to give something I really wanted to keep.  I’m good at giving things I no longer need or want – but giving something new that I wanted to keep stretched me.  You’ve shown me that “painless” giving from abundance, or giving something not really valuable to me is different from sacrificial giving. Both can be a blessing to the receiver.  But if we learn to truly give from the heart, especially when it hurts, we’ll be blessed and never have a “heart” problem giving from abundance.  It may have been a test, Lord?  I think I passed!?!  

The full moon has been incredible the past two nights; Your light shines always.  Thank You so much for shining on me and working on my selfish heart.

Luke 21:1-4:  As Jesus looked up, He saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. “Truly I tell you,” He said, “this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”

1 Chronicles 21:24:  Then King David said to Ornan, “No, but I will surely buy it for the full price, for I will not take what is yours for the LORD, nor offer burnt offerings with that which costs me nothing.”

Genesis 4:2-5:  …Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering He did not look with favor…

April 12, 2020  (Post #35)

(From Journal #3:  October 3, 2005)

Been in Atlanta for several days to attend the wedding of my dear friend’s daughter, which was held in the North Georgia Mountains on Saturday.  On Sunday morning, I left the mountains in time to get back to Atlanta to attend a church I’d been wanting to visit. I was able to make the 12:30 service and it was a great sermon and I’m glad I went, but it was after church that something really special happened. 

Since the church was close to where I used to live, I decided to go to a restaurant in Roswell we used to love.  It was already 2:00 but they served until 3:00, so I decided to have a late lunch.  I sat by the window and two ladies came in and sat in front of me.  One seemed in her 50s and the other elderly, about my mother’s age. (Later I learned she was 87.)  It touched my heart for missing my own sweet mom and I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to buy their lunch, so I told the waitress I wanted to do that.  She told them their lunch was covered. They were grateful and I moved my chair and visited with them, told them where I was from, etc. “Brenda” had adopted “Miss Martha” like a mom.  It was so sweet.  Turns out, Brenda attends the church I just visited.

As I went back to my table and began to leave, the lady sitting behind me spoke up and said, “Texas angel, you guys have made my day.”  “Pam” was from Houston and had moved to Atlanta for a job and was very unhappy because she hadn’t found people to be very friendly.  Her daughter was in grad school in Dallas and told her she needed to move to Plano, Allen, or McKinney!  I told her I was from McKinney and gave her my contact information so if she came out I would drive her around and show her the area.

She went on and on about how what she’d witnessed was the most uplifting thing she’d seen in a long time.  She’d even thought about visiting the same church service I’d just visited but she thought the restaurant would be closed afterward if she did.  Even the waitress said she felt like crying.  If this woman Pam stays in Atlanta, she now knows Brenda if she goes to church.  If she moves to the Dallas area, she’ll know me.  We’ll see how this plays out.

It was all You, Lord.  I think we had a “divine appointment.”  We never know what a “random act of kindness” can produce.  Lord, we both know I’m no angel! But I pray I produced some good fruit that only comes from You in and through me, not of myself.  I’m blessed and grateful to have had a part in it. 

Matthew 5:16:  Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.

Hebrews 13:16:  But do not forget to do good and to share, for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.

1 Corinthians 16:14: Let all that you do be done with love.

May 17, 2020  (Post #40)

(From Journal #3:  January 7, 2006)

I started treatments again a few days ago, and I’m so grateful that I did not have the allergic reaction this time! When I saw the surgeon, he confirmed I do have a hernia but he does not want to repair it until he’s sure I won’t need to have surgery again for the lymphoma.  I’m believing I won’t. 

Lord, You brought three precious people across my path yesterday in the waiting room!  My heart especially ached for the older little man.  Oh, how You must love him!  I got to lay my hand on his arm and agree with him that he’s okay – healed!  The other man seemed so sad and tired.  Heal his body, Lord.  I shook his hand and told him I’d pray for him.  The lady who was sitting close by, I didn’t get to physically touch, but I pray she could feel Your Holy Spirit reaching out to her and the other two through me, and that Your healing power is working in all of them! 

It’s hard to believe it was one year ago today when I had the body scan that discovered non-Hodgkins lymphoma. Oh, how much has transpired, Lord!  What a journey we’ve been on and are still taking.  You are my healer; You are my everything.  I have learned so much this year and feel so much closer to You.  I’ve certainly not handled everything as I should, but Your grace and mercy have led me, taught me, and matured me.

Proverbs 12:25:  Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.

Ephesians 6:18:  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

1 Thessalonians 5:11:  Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.

Galatians 6:2:  Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

August 14, 2001 (Post #61)

(From Journal #8: March 8, 2007)

My latest CT scan was on the 5th and praise You for a good report! The lymph nodes shrank again, to below 2 cm. I scan again in three months. The doctor gave me the green light to now have the abdominal hernia repaired. 

A couple of days ago I went to Quizno’s for lunch. As I walked inside a woman and her mother walked in before me. The older lady reminded me so much of mother. She was dressed so cute and I complimented her as I stood behind them in line. As we chatted, I heard in my spirit that I was to buy their lunch. There was a line of people and I didn’t say anything. The older lady had a credit card in her hand. You told me again to buy their lunch, so I told her that I wanted to bless them and treat them to lunch. It was a total God-appointment! 

We sat together to eat and Linda, the daughter, had recently lost her husband to cancer and was in fear of finances, health, etc., She admitted mumbling to herself about having no money to even buy their lunch. She was 6 months late on a follow-up mammogram that was actually scheduled for today and she was afraid to go. I shared my story of how You have helped me through my health battle and it seemed to bless her. She said because You reached out to her through me, she would go in new strength. Thank You, Lord. 

Turns out the mom, Joan, is an artist too but hasn’t painted in years. And today, I took her to art class with me! I had no idea she was 84 years old. She lost her husband at Christmas and she is so lonely. She’d called me the day before and tentatively accepted the invitation. She needed to try and reschedule a conflicting appointment. She said she’d confirm one way or another either later that night or this morning. I didn’t hear from her and wondered if she’d changed her mind. I didn’t want to pressure her but I kept feeling You prompting me to call her just to be sure she was okay. Lord, she’d lost my number! She said she was dressed, ready to go and sitting there praying I would call. Oh, Jesus, how awesome are You?

She was nervous and scared to get started but once she did, she relaxed and had a good time. It was such a blessing to see this precious lady enjoying art once again. It almost felt like I was doing art with my mom. I bought her art supplies so she can start painting at home too. Thank You for bringing this sweet new friend into my life.

Proverbs 16:9:  A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.

Psalm 37:25:  The steps of a righteous man are ordered by the LORD, and He delights in his way.