December 31, 2021  (Post #65)

(From Journal #9:  August 2, 2007)

I watched a teaching this morning on 1 Peter 3:  Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.  

As he talked about the part where women should be more than their outer adornment, I believe the Holy Spirit gave me revelation about myself (and probably most women) on the whole “weight and beauty” thing.  I’ve got some extra pounds I’ve been wanting to lose, and yet haven’t, so I get into self-loathing and speak negative words over myself.  And the truth is, if I did lose them, I still probably wouldn’t be “happy” with myself.  Why is this?  It’s because most of us women are looking for validation of our value, worth, and desirability based on appearance and weight, and from the wrong sources, including our husbands.

While I know it’s not wrong for wives to want our husbands to find us attractive and affirm us, they can never give us what we need, and it’s wrong of us to put that burden on them or anyone else.  If we give anyone other than You the “power” with their words or actions to determine how we see ourselves, that is sin. We’ve made them an idol and given them first place in our lives.  At the root are fear and pride.  Fear that we’re not good enough; fear of rejection, fear of aging, FEAR, FEAR, FEAR.  And it’s so prideful to be self-focused all the time.  

So, what’s the answer?  YOU!  Only You can give us true affirmation of our worth. You created us in Your image. You love and value us so much that You died for us!  These bodies we are so quick to despise and criticize are the Temple where the Holy Spirit dwells in every believer.  Help me Lord to honor You by how I see my body and take care of it.  I want to be in the best shape possible as an act of worship to You, and not from a place of low self-esteem, vanity, and self-absorption.  True beauty comes from the confidence that can only be projected by someone who knows who they are in Christ Jesus.  

There’s always going to be wrinkles, gray hair, weight gain, shrinking stature, etc., with our natural, aging bodies.  It’s the inner man, our spirits, that never grow old. 

(Genesis 1:27):  So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

(Psalm 139:13-14):  For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…

(1 Corinthians 6:19-20):  Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, Whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

(2 Timothy: 1:7):  For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.

September 13, 2021  (Post #63)

(From Journal #9:  April 7, 2007)

As I was driving earlier today, I was listening to a teaching on the radio about “am I ever going to change?”  It was good for me to hear it because there are so many things in my life I need to change, but I cannot.  I need You to change me.  I just pulled over to the side of the road and prayed that today would be the day I turn everything over to you.  The preacher said it won’t happen overnight and not to be self-condemning during the process, but trust the Holy Spirit to convict, teach, and lead me to change and it will happen. 

Here are areas I can identify now.  Each one affects the others. I’m trusting You to show me every area in need of change.

Love Walk:  Help me to love others when they aren’t behaving the way “I” want them to.  I cannot control or change others; how could I when obviously I cannot change myself…?

1 Timothy 1:5 The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.

Control My Tongue:   Too often I still let coarse language out of my mouth.  Too often I am critical of others and of myself.  Controlling my tongue has a direct affect on my love walk too.  

Proverbs 15: 1, 4:  A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life… 

Proverbs 10:19:  When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Self Control:  I haven’t been able to lose some extra pounds I’ve gained or get into a regular exercise routine.  I usually set unrealistic goals too soon, and when I fail to meet them I get discouraged and give up.  I don’t like exercise, plain and simple.  Help me get to the place where I do enjoy it and am willing to do it.  There are disabled people who would give anything to be able to exercise.  Forgive me, Lord.

Galatians 5:16-17:  So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.  For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.

Galatians 5:22-23:  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 

Productivity:  Too often I just can’t seem to get going and tackle things that need to get done, and then I get down on myself.  I want to be more focused and less distracted by wasteful things like TV, computer, etc. By becoming more focused and organized I’ll have more time for Kingdom purposes.

Proverbs 31:17,27:  She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Sleep:  Help me identify the things that impede and interrupt sleep and give them to You.  I know I need more sleep and better sleep in order to be more productive. 

Proverbs 3:24:  When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

Psalm 4:8  In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Fear:  I know that fear isn’t from You.  I don’t want the enemy to have an opening to use fear against me in any area:  healing, financial stability, my family’s protection, painting — anything.  I want to give it all to You, and grow in faith and trust.

2 Timothy 1:7:  For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Proverbs 1:33:  …but whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, and will be secure, without fear of harm.

September 27, 2020  (Post #51)

(From Journal #5:  April 20, 2006)

I watched a great teaching yesterday and the woman said something that hit me right between the eyes:  “Fear is an emotional response to unbelief.”  

Unbelief is actually a spiritual thing that produces a physical, natural response:  fear!  When fear attacks, I pray You will help me check myself, and let You show me any areas of unbelief.  For instance, this thing about my heart having some weird symptoms has caused fear.  I know that fear is not of  You.  The enemy uses fear to fuel unbelief.  Wow!  We’re on to him, Lord.

I also see another way that I open myself up for the enemy to attack me with fear.  It’s been several days since I’ve been in my journal.  I have missed You and I know You didn’t go anywhere…  I traveled to see my family and have been busy and distracted.  In other words, I didn’t keep my time in prayer and in the Word as my top priority.  I threw up some hurried verbal prayers, but I have missed my deep written prayers and conversations with you.  They’re a record of our relationship and are priceless.  

Oh Jesus, I cannot live and function without You.  I see what happens to me after about three days and it’s not good.  It affects my temperament and I become impatient with others rather than walking in love.  I catch myself grumbling and complaining rather than having a heart of joy, peace and gratitude.  Forgive me.

You are my rock, my source of everything.  You are faithful when I am not.  I thank You for never leaving me nor forsaking me.

2 Timothy 1:7:  For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

1 Peter 5:7-8:  …casting all your anxiety upon Him, for He cares for you.  Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith…

Psalm 91:1-2:  He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.   I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

May 10, 2020   (Post #39)

(From Journal #3:  December 28, 2005)

Since the ER visit, things have been moving pretty fast. I had a colonoscopy and everything was perfect; thank You, Jesus!  I also saw the oncologist and had yet another CT scan.  But there’s still nothing showing as the cause for the pain in my side?  My lymph nodes haven’t grown back any, but they haven’t shrunk further either.  For this reason, the doctor suggests another round of Rituxan and he scheduled it for January.  This afternoon I see the surgeon again because it appears I have developed a hernia at the surgery sight, so now I have this to deal with too.  

I know I am healed.  I always felt in my spirit that one round of immunotherapy is all that would be needed. What is Your will for me, Lord?  I don’t want to refuse treatment to “prove that I have faith” to others that I believe I’m healed. That would be about me, my pride, and stubbornness. That would be foolish and dangerous and isn’t true faith.  I don’t want to take treatments I don’t really need and risk side effects. But I also don’t want to refuse them out of fear of side effects. Help me make this decision based on faith and wisdom, not from fear, unbelief, or pride.

A few days ago, Pastor Rob emailed to wish us a Merry Christmas.  That opened the door for me to seek his counsel about what to do.  He helped me so much to put the confusion to rest.  You are not the author of confusion. I feel peaceful and confident about treatments.  I’ll take them with the same faith I did before.  This is about my FAITH IN YOU, not faith in my faith…

1 Corinthians 14:33:  For God is not the author of confusion but of peace…”

Philippians 4:6-7:  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Psalm 32:8:  I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye.

January 17, 2020  (Post #24)

(From Journal #2:  April 3, 2005)

The time changed tonight, so I’m technically up at 4:30 rather than 3:30. I’ll continue my scripture study on healing.  Give me discernment and revelation, Lord.

As I read about all the times Jesus healed, faith always played a part.  There are only two instances in the Bible where Jesus “marveled” and they both involved faith: great faith and no faith (unbelief).  Unbelief prevented healing. 

Lord, I don’t believe You “give” sickness to anyone.  I don’t think this is Your will for me at all.  We live in a fallen world.  You are the all-powerful Creator, the first-in-command of everything!  In Your complete sovereignty, You gave us free will.  Man blew it, bringing sin and sickness into this world and into all of our lives.  This is why You came, to redeem us from our own mess!  You don’t force us to do the right thing, and You certainly don’t tempt us to do the wrong thing.  If I believed that You wanted me sick, then why would I even go to the doctor?  Wouldn’t I be fighting Your will?  

When I reflect on Peter walking on the water, he said, “Lord, IF it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” What was Jesus supposed to say, “No, it’s NOT Me?”  Jesus said, “Come.”  When Peter began to focus on the storm and not Jesus, he began to sink.  But he didn’t sink like a rock; he kept sinking as the fear and unbelief grew stronger.  He had enough faith to ask, but not enough to receive. Jesus NEVER changed!  Peter is the one who caused the sinking, just like we can sabotage our healing by doubting God and His Word.  We will always have a tug-of-war between faith and fear and unbelief.  Jesus doesn’t move; we waver!  This is why we must know we have victory before the battle! 

When Peter cried out, “Lord, save me!” Jesus immediately reached out His hand.  Jesus’ will was for Peter to come to Him right through the storm!  But Jesus didn’t force Peter to walk on the water because it was His will. In His sovereignty, Jesus allowed Peter free will to look at and respond to the storm.  What would’ve happened if when he began to sink, rather than cry out to Jesus to save him, he thought, “Well, it must be God’s will for me to sink or I wouldn’t be sinking…” No! No! No!  The wind did not die down until they climbed into the boat.  The battle still had to be fought.  Jesus saved him in the midst of his circumstance. 

Dear Jesus, this was one of the most powerful revelations I’ve ever received!  Thank You so much.  May it flow from You through me to others as You please and direct.  I know that people of great faith don’t always survive.  But I stand on Your Word and fight this battle in faith, trusting You have my hand no matter what.  Let my outcome not be determined by a lack of faith!

Mark 6:5-6:  Now He could do no mighty work there, except that He laid His hands on a few sick people and healed them.  And He marveled because of their unbelief.

Matthew 8:10:  When Jesus heard it, He marveled, and said to those who followed, “Assuredly, I say to you, I have not found such great faith, not even in Israel!

December 31, 2019 (Post #22)

(From Journal #1:  March 22, 2005)

Yesterday I had treatment #3.  The doctor said I’d be scanned again 6 weeks after the 4th treatment.  I’m praying for no more treatments needed! 

I read the book of Joshua and I continue to see the Matthew 11:12  “forceful men lay hold of it” revelation portrayed in the Bible.  When You told Joshua to cross the Jordan River, the river only parted AFTER they stepped into the water.  Action was required before the miracle.

At every battle, You told Joshua, “Today I have given unto you….” BEFORE the battle began.  It was spoken as a “done deal” BUT they still had to fight the battle in faith!  Lord, this is HUGE!  If we believe we have VICTORY BEFORE THE BATTLE, then we fight from faith and not from fear!!!  This is a game-changer for every battle we face in life.

This helps me so much in this battle against non-Hodgkins lymphoma.  I HAVE the victory.  You are with me, but the battle must still be fought.  I just have to fight from faith and not from fear.  Jesus!

Joshua 3:15-16: “…and as those who bore the ark came to the Jordan, and the feet of the priests who bore the ark dipped in the edge of the water (for the Jordan overflows all its banks during the whole time of harvest), that the waters which came down from upstream stood still, and rose in a heap very far away…”

Joshua 6:2-3:   And the Lord said to Joshua:  “See!  I haven given Jericho into your hand, its king, and the mighty men of valor.  You shall march around the city all you men of war; you shall go all around the city once.  This you shall do six days.”

Joshua 8:1:  Now the Lord said to Joshua: “Do not be afraid, nor be dismayed; take all the people of war with you, and arise, go up to Ai.  See, I have given into your hand the king of Ai, his people, his city and his land.”

(Journal #1: January 23, 2005 Cont’d) Post #10

Still so much to journal after not being on the page for four days.  We’re actually in Scottsdale, Arizona right now at a business conference.  I was in the Word and prayer all that time and now have so much to record that you’ve shown me, Lord.

The day after my birthday I felt led by the Holy Spirit to start a 40-day fast from wine or any type of alcoholic beverage.  I knew I had not abused this at all but I felt like You were showing me how to get ahead of the enemy’s schemes and be ready.  I know the enemy attacks me with fear, and there is so much unknown to me right now.  I will not even allow an opportunity for anything to become a “crutch” for fear.  I will not allow anything to dull my spiritual senses and leave me open to the enemy’s lies that can cause depression or cause me to make negative confessions.  YOU are my source of joy and comfort.  

This is what I heard in my spirit:  “For 40 days and 40 nights, do not drink wine; you lean on Me!”  So that’s what I’m doing, Lord, here at this conference where food and wine abound!

Joel 2:12:  “Yet even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;

Matthew 6:16-18:  “When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face,so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Daniel 10:3:  I ate no delicacies, no meat, or wine entered my mouth, nor did I anoint myself at all, for the full three weeks.

1 Peter 5:7:  Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

Isaiah 26:4:  Trust in the Lord forever; the Lord God is an everlasting rock.

(Journal #1: January 12, 2005) Post #7

Dr. Duncan called yesterday to tell me the radiologist believes the mass did absorb the contrast and suspects lymphoma.  The good news is he did not see any other suspicious areas.  Now what?  

Dr. Duncan suggests a PET scan which can confirm/dismiss cancer, expose any other suspicious places, and eliminate unnecessary surgery.  So, I’ll get to work with my general physician to get this done.

I feel so strongly now why You gave me the revelation about Peter walking on water.  Without warning this mass is here, but Jesus you are still the answer!  I feel like I’m in the process of my healing miracle (walking on water) and if I don’t look at the storm (bad reports, fear, doubt, unbelief) and keep my eyes on You and trust You, I will walk right through this storm with You holding out Your hand to me.  Thank you, Lord.

In 2 Kings 6, Elisha was surrounded by the enemy.  His servant was afraid and Elisha told him not to fear because “those that be with us are more than those against us.”  He prayed for God to open the servant’s spiritual eyes and he saw thousands of fiery chariots!  But, just because the servant could see the angels in the spiritual realm didn’t make the enemy disappear in the natural realm! I feel like you’re telling me that two truths can co-exist.  I have healing in the spiritual realm, but still see sickness in the natural.  The power of faith brings the truth of the spirit to the natural.  Healing comes from inside out.  I must see myself whole before I actually experience it naturally.  Wow!

When David fought Goliath, he remembered the victories You had already given him. He didn’t let the size of his enemy scare him into thinking You would not come through for him. Saul and others tried to talk David out of battling Goliath by pointing out his small stature and trying to put fear and doubt into his mind.  But David ran toward Goliath and told him that his God would defeat him. He didn’t sit back and wait to be attacked. 

Lymphoma is Goliath to me!  So hear this, lymphoma… you are defeated!

Hebrews 4:14 …let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.

Hebrews: 4:16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

(Journal #1: January 10, 2005) Post #6

It’s now 11:15 p.m. on January 10^th.  Good thing we had this lesson on faith early this morning. You opened a quick door for me today to get in to see the cardiologist so he can check things out and run some tests.  Shortly after, Dr. Duncan called to tell me the radiologist found a 3.5 cm mass close to my left kidney and I need to come back for another scan with contrast to rule out lymphoma!  My sister calls these kinds of experiences “gut punches.”  You are believing for things to turn out one way and then you get a hard punch in the gut. 

Oh, God, Your faithfulness overwhelms me! You shine Your light on the darkness. Dr. Duncan got me back in this afternoon for the second scan. He’ll call me tomorrow once the radiologist sees it. I know You are with me. I believe Your Word that tells us that by the stripes of Jesus we are healed!

But, Lord, I confess that fear wants to go to battle with my faith!  I must cling to Your Word and pray for peace that transcends all understanding.  I need to try and sleep.  Help my mind to focus on You and not fearful thoughts.

Psalm 4:8  I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

(Journal #1:  January 6, 2005) Post #3

My health is still under attack. The cardiologist’s office just called with some test results that don’t make sense. I’ve never even met the doctor, only seen the P.A. What’s going on, Lord?  I will not give in to fear!  I trust You, Lord, and I know that I am healed by Your stripes. I seek Your wisdom. James 1:5 says that You give wisdom to ALL who ask, but I must believe and not doubt. Sometimes that is hard.  But Lord, I have literally gone into my closet, gotten on my knees and asked you to show me what to do. I have done everything in the natural that I know to do that makes sense. But I have no peace about any of it. No doctor can give me answers, just prescriptions. The more I take the worse I feel.  I just know Lord that this isn’t right. Show me what to do!

When Peter got out of the boat to walk on the water to Jesus, he began to sink when he noticed the wind. The other disciples saw Jesus walking on the water and it frightened them. Jesus told them not to fear.  As humans, we are afraid to trust in a miracle because we can’t comprehend it.  Peter was in the midst of his miracle when he began to lose it… fear cost him his miracle and he began to sink!  Fear took his eyes off Jesus.  But when he cried out, “Lord, save me,” Jesus immediately reached out His hand and caught him.  And He said, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?”  I cannot and will not be in fear about my heart and health. I want to be wise and follow God’s natural laws concerning my health, but I know Jesus loves me, died for me, saved and healed me. I have to keep my eyes on you Lord, and off the wind and the waves.

Psalm 118:17 “ I will not die but live, and declare the works of the Lord.”

Psalm 34:7  The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and He delivers them.

Psalm 56:3-4  When I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God whose Word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?

Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.