Don’t Lose Your Mercy

March 3, 2024  (Post #72)

(From Journal #55:  March 5, 2022)

Yesterday and today were very stressful and yet You gave me a profound revelation in the midst of it all…

John was in a difficult mood yesterday. He wanted to go outside, which we did, but he wanted to try and do more than he was physically able. I know he’s mad and frustrated but I couldn’t risk him falling again. Losing his independence is so hard for him.

Then this morning, he wanted to take a shower. I asked if we could just wait until later. I was already dressed and needed to get him settled in his chair so I could run a quick errand. I can only leave him alone for short periods of time. But he insisted and didn’t seem to care how that impacted me. I was annoyed because I literally have to get in the shower with him to keep him from falling, which means I get wet no matter what. I got him showered, dressed, and in his chair. As I got back in the shower and began to squeegee, I thought about how I’ve not left his side in over 3 years. The physical and emotional stress of caretaking was taking its toll on me. I began to pray in tears of frustration and honestly self-pity.

As I was praying, I started to think of all the times the Bible says that You desire “mercy over sacrifice.” It was then that my spirit heard the Holy Spirit speak:

“I see your sacrifices. I know them. But don’t lose your mercy for why he may react the way he does. If you lose your mercy, then your sacrifices aren’t pleasing to Me.”

That really hit home. Thank You for this correction, Lord. He is suffering and feeling weak. He doesn’t mean to snap at me and feels bad when he does. Any sacrifice I’m making as a caretaker pales in comparison to what he’s enduring. Sacrifice should not include self-pity. I never want to forget this, Lord. Any time I start to feel impatient and unmerciful, let me hear Your still, small voice remind me, “Don’t lose your mercy!”

Matthew 5:7 – Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Matthew 9:13 – “But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice.’ For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.”

Matthew 12:7 – “But if you had known what this means, ‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the guiltless.”

Hosea 6:6 – “For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings.”

Just be the Brush

December 13, 2020   (Post #56)

(From Journal #7:  October 9, 2006)

Lord, as I struggled to “see” what needed to be done on this painting, the Holy Spirit spoke the most powerful and beautiful words into my spirit.  This is what I heard:  “In the spiritual realm, you are My canvas.  In the natural world, you are My brush.  Just be the brush.”  Once I heard that, I realized that I am not responsible for how this painting turns out.  You are the Artist; You just want me to be Your brush.  You showed me that I am a painting, a spiritual canvas You work on.  I’m also a physical brush You use to paint pictures for others.  Every time I got stuck, frustrated and tense, I’d hear You saying, “Just be the brush” and I’d relax, get out of my head, and just paint. We are artists together.

You’ve guided my eyes and my hands and we’ve gotten so much done.  I know it’s Your strength, not mine, that has seen me through.  I was so leery of not only painting glass, but on such a large canvas.  But You pushed me out of my comfort zone and forced me to trust You alone, and of course, You didn’t let me down.  The confidence You are building in me is great – but it’s not confidence in myself that “I alone” can do anything.  It is confidence in myself that I can do anything You’ve called me to do as long as I rely on You.  I designed my own labels for the wine bottles and even added a cork lying on the table.  Today, I signed it!  We got this done in 9 days!  Glory to You!!!  I’m really pleased at how it turned out, and I named it “A Pearl from the Vine…”

I’ve questioned so many times how could You use me to be a blessing to the Kingdom?  And now, here You are helping me paint a picture to raise money to fight cancer!  May this painting be anointed and bring a huge sum to beat cancer!  AMEN!

Philippians 4:13:  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Ephesians 2:10:  For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

Colossians 3:23:  And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men.

Isaiah 64:8:  But now, O LORD, You are our Father; We are the clay and You our potter; and we are the work of Your hand.

The Path Can Change

December 6, 2020  (Post #55)

(From Journal #7:  October 3, 2006)

Two days ago a friend called and asked me if I had a piece of art I would be willing to donate to be auctioned at an annual cancer fundraiser on October 20th. I immediately knew this was You challenging me to step up and take action.  I told her I didn’t have anything on hand that I felt great about donating but I would do a painting especially for the event.  

When I hung up the phone, I almost panicked. ”What was I thinking???”  There’s such little time to get it done!   And then my prayer literally was “Lord, if You don’t come through for me, I’m toast.”  I need You to show me what to paint and empower me to do it.  Then yesterday morning while taking a walk, You taught me something…

As I was walking home, You had me notice the sidewalk and think of it as walking on the path You have set before me.  But I could only see the path so far.  I could not see the final destination.  I so often want to see the “blueprints” of Your plans, when You have me on a “need-to-know” basis.  As I walked farther, I came to the left turn to get home.  I couldn’t see that turn earlier.  I thought I’d seen your straight path clearly from where I was, but You told me to turn left.  

We get off the path, don’t we Lord?  We get ahead of You and decide what we’re to do based on what we see today and then we don’t always hear Your small still voice saying, “Turn here.”  And I realized that even if I’d not turned left, I could still get back home, but it would take longer and I’d have to walk a different path that wasn’t as easy.  

After our walk, I just started looking through magazines and saw a photo reference of a couple bottles of wine alongside a glass of red wine that really spoke to me.  I’ve never painted anything like this before; glass is hard to paint.  I continued looking at other photos, but kept going back to this one. I felt this was the path I’m to take for this auction.  I wanted to do a large painting, so sketching it out was mathematically challenging to calculate the proportions relative to the size of the canvas.  But I stayed calm and I think I got it, thanks to You.  Today, I want to start laying down some paint and do what I know to do at this point on the path and listen for You to tell me when to change direction.

Isaiah 30:21:  Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

Proverbs 3:5-6:  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

Proverbs 16:9:  A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.

A Work in Progress

October 24, 2020   (Post #53)

(From Journal #6:  July 25, 2006)

I saw the cardiologist about the heart monitor and results are normal!  Praise You for the good report!  

I had a humbling experience while at the hospital.   While in the waiting room an elderly gentleman on crutches came in.  He seemed very distressed and was muttering to himself.  I looked at him a couple of times and smiled.  I heard him utter “Jesus” and I knew he was praying.  I began to feel I should go and offer to pray with him, but I didn’t want to embarrass him (or was it me?) in front of the people in the room.  I really wanted privacy and hoping for more people to leave.

Before that could happen, an attendant with a wheelchair came for him.  I followed him to the elevator because I couldn’t let him leave without telling him that my spirit felt I was to pray for him.  He said for me do it and I trust that You gave me the right words to pray.  So, I wound up praying in the middle of the hallway, in front of the elevator, in front of many more people than who were in the waiting room…

That precious man needed a touch of love and I pray he felt Your love through me.  Help me to grow in my discernment about others and to know when and how to be encouraging as Your Spirit leads me.  Lord, forgive me for not praying with him immediately when I felt the Holy Spirit leading me.  But You did show me that I can be bold enough to pray whenever, wherever, and with whomever You tell me.

This is still hard for me, just like with recently approaching my neighbor Libby.  I did send her a card letting her know how much I enjoyed our time and that I’m praying for her.  Thank You for the privilege of being Your servant to others.  I am definitely a work in progress.

Luke 6:46:  “But why do you call Me ‘Lord, Lord’ and not do the things which I say?”

Psalm 40:8:  I desire to do Your will, my God; Your law is within my heart.

James 5:16:  …and pray for one another, that you may be healed.  The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

John 13:34-35:  “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Make the First Move

October 9, 2020  (Post #52)

(From Journal #6:  June 12, 2006)

Lord, I have so much to thank You for!  My recent CT scan was so good!  The lymph nodes have shrunk to 1/2 the size, my lungs are clear, and no other suspicious places showing!  And, I saw a cardiologist who did a new kind of test on me that shows if there is any soft or hard plaque in my arteries and it was perfect!  So even with high cholesterol numbers, my arteries are clear.  He’s having me wear a monitor for 30 days.  If there’s anything to be discovered, shine Your light on it, Lord.

For several days, I’ve had a thought “pop into my head” that I’m to ask the next door neighbor Libby to go to the Home Show with me.  The woman isn’t that friendly and barely speaks to me, but a week or so ago she caught me outside and did chat a bit; she even asked about my art.  Anyway, I’ve felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me to ask her to do something.  Lord, You know how much I hate doing these things… that’s why You’re after me, huh?  

I confess that I didn’t want to go, but I called her, hoping she’d say no.  But she didn’t.  The only available day of the Home Show for her was Sunday and I didn’t want to spend my Sunday afternoon with her.  I told her I’d call her after church to see if she was still up for it, and she said she’d still like to go.  Well, You sure taught me a lesson.

We made some small talk and I finally asked if she had kids or grandkids.  She began to tell me how she hasn’t spoken to her daughter in 4 years!  She was telling me this as we were leaving the Home Show and I felt You telling me to go to Sonic and keep talking.  I discovered why You had me do this.  We sat in the car with our drinks and she began to open up about her life, her husband’s health, etc.  She’s scared and lonely.  I told her YOU had me call her and that You love her a lot.

I’ve been painfully aware of how these mission trips to far off places aren’t for me. I’ve always admired those willing to go to dangerous places to share the Gospel.  Yet all You did was ask me to go next door and I whined and complained, after church!  It wasn’t China or Africa – it was next door.  Forgive me for my selfish attitude and poor witness. I pray the seed planted in Libby will be watered with Your love and Word.  I trust You will show me how and what to do concerning her in the future.  I am humbled to be used to reach out to her.

What’s Love Got to do With It?

June 30, 2020 (Post #43)

(From Journal #3:  February 15, 2006)

I woke up early AGAIN with so many thoughts running through my head, I knew I had to get up and pray and spend time with You.

First Lord, You keep reminding me of 1 Corinthians 13:8 which says “Love never fails…”  NEVER.  But I confess that I find “walking in love” is much easier with strangers than the people closest to us sometimes?  Why can conflicts with loved ones be so hard to resolve?  

You showed me something about myself:  I don’t have a problem admitting when I’m wrong; I have a problem not getting credit when I’m right and others won’t apologize.  OUCH!  Every time I CHOOSE to speak love and demonstrate love, I am never a victim and the enemy gets a kick in the teeth!  Love never fails, no matter what the issue is.  Looks like I still need some work here.  Jesus, thank You for correction and conviction.

Proverbs 3:12:  For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.

Proverbs 10:17:  He who keeps instruction is in the way of life, but he who refuses correction goes astray.

Proverbs 12:1:  Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.

Corinthians 13:1-3:  If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

1 Corinthians 13:13:  So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

The “Waking” Hour

May 24, 2020 (Post #41)

(From Journal #3:  January 8, 2006)

For the past several nights, like so many times before, You’ve wakened me at 3:00 a.m., inviting me to spend time with You.  I don’t know the significance of this hour, but it seems to be “our time.”  It’s as if You and I are the only two in the world awake, and I have You all to myself.  Even though I am tired, the quiet time is so special and I am not distracted.  Some of the biggest revelations you’ve taught me have been in these early hours. The Creator of the universe loves me and wants to spend time with me.  Forgive me for the times I chose sleep over time in prayer with You.

I am glad I have not drawn back from You during this health battle.  No matter what has come against me, I have not run from You, but to You. That is the victory. Running to Jesus is always a victory!  You are my protector and I thank You.  Without You, fear is an enemy; but with You, fear is cast down and defeated.  I will not fear!

During our time this morning, I read a scripture in Isaiah I’ve read before and highlighted.  In the margins I’d written, “Lord, I want a teachable spirit.”  How true. I do want a teachable spirit.  I confess and repent for all the times I have stubbornly resisted being taught, or for refusing to change.

Isaiah 50:4-5:  The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the Word that sustains the weary.  He wakes me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.  The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears, and I have not been rebellious; I have not drawn back.”

Matthew 26:40-41:  Then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “What?  Could you not watch with Me one hour?  Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation.  The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

Look it Up!

March 21, 2020    (Post #32)

(From Journal #3:  September 16, 2005)

Benign.  How I’ve wrestled with this word ever since the surgery when I know I heard an angel whisper in my ear, “Don’t worry; it’s benign” and yet the biopsy diagnosed cancer?  The “conflicting reports” have had me confused, but I still chose to trust what I heard and asked You to help me understand.  And then today, You gave me clarity.

I was working on something in the office and all of a sudden in my spirit, I heard the Holy Spirit ask me, “What does benign mean?”  My immediate response was “not cancerous.”  And I heard, “Really?  Look it up!”  In obedience, I got out the dictionary and literally looked it up.  And to my surprise:

  1. of kindly disposition, gracious
  2. showing or expressive of gentleness or kindness
  3. favorable; propitious
  4. clement; beneficial
  5. not malignant

Lord, “not cancerous or malignant” is the fifth definition!  It also means a favorable condition, a good omen, a good outcome!  The angel was telling me that things would turn out favorably and they have and continue to.  There is no conflicting report.  It is benign!  Praise You, Jesus!

Matthew 10:27:  “What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.”

Psalm 5:3:  In the morning, O Lord, You hear my voice; in the morning, I lay my requests before You and wait in expectation.

I Know What I Heard!

November 24, 2019  (Post #18)

(From Journal #1:  February 26, 2005)

I saw the doctor yesterday and my bone marrow is clear!  Praise You, Lord!  We went over treatment options.  We’re going to do an immunotherapy treatment called Rituxan.  I am so grateful not to do hard chemo and radiation!  I prayed for the doctor to have Solomon-like wisdom and I trust You are working through him.  I will take this treatment in faith.  There isn’t much data since it’s a new concept to take this drug alone, without chemo.  God’s data is perfect and I trust You, Lord.

The most amazing thing happened!  As I’ve been reading Your Word, Matthew 10:27 really spoke to me about the voice I heard whisper in my ear after surgery:  “What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.”  And then, I started thinking about how Jacob wrestled with the angel of God and the angel touched his hip and wrenched it, leaving him with a limp.  As I meditated on Matthew 10:27 and this story of Jacob, I asked You if this pain in my shoulder was a confirmation for me to KNOW that what I heard whispered in my ear was in fact an angel, in spite of the diagnosis I had received?  I literally felt the warmth of the Holy Spirit in my body and then the pain was gone!  Lord, thank You!

I’ve been condemning myself for even telling anyone about what I heard since the diagnosis came back as lymphoma, and that I am a “bad witness” for You.  But You have given this amazing confirmation as to what I heard.  I may not understand, but I still believe the lymph nodes are benign regardless of the diagnosis.  I don’t care what anyone thinks.  I believe You and only want Your Name to be glorified as healer.

Hebrews 10:23:  “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.”

Hebrews 11:1:  “Now faith is the substance of what we hope for, the evidence of what we do not see.”

Isaiah 7:9:  “…If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all.”

Psalm 119:116:  “Uphold me according to Your Word, that I may live; and do not let me be ashamed of my hope.”