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Releasing My Artist Self

March 15, 2020   (Post #31)

(From Journal #3:  September 12, 2005)

There’s nothing like cancer to make one reassess our lives about whether we’re fulfilling God’s plan for us?  I know He wants me to paint. I found a wonderful art institute in the town square and began a “beginner’s” art class last week since I’ve not painted in years.  There, I learned about another class I’m joining in a couple of days (that actually started last week) called The Artists’ Way.  I actually already had the book because someone once-upon-a-time had recommended it but I’d never done anything with it.  Isn’t that so like me and so much of my problem?  So many good intentions and desires, but nothing accomplished?

It asks you to do “Morning Pages” which is easy for me because I already journal.The Artists’ Way appears to be a bit like a “12-step AA” program for struggling artists.  That is clearly me; I never have been able to really call myself an artist.  I’ve allowed fear and insecurity to hold me back and make me think I can’t do it, and not qualified or worthy to say, “I am an artist.”  My mind is often my worst foe.  I get off track of what God wants me to do.  I get so overwhelmed by day-to-day “junk” that I never get around to painting.  I feel like a mouse on a wheel; my legs are spinning and I’m working hard but I never get anywhere…

I want and need to feel like I do something that matters. I want to have passion and excitement about my days.  I want to paint beautiful pictures without fear of rejection, without fear of perfection, without fear of any kind.  You have given me part of Your artistic love, but I haven’t fulfilled Your plan.  I want to and choose to!  I believe this class will help me.  I hope to bring You joy by “getting it” and finally allowing You to create beautiful works through my hands on canvas or however You choose.

It’s for Your pleasure, and if others appreciate it, that’s great.  But it’s not for the praises of man I need to pursue.  It’s You I want to bring pleasure and joy to, You! Am I Yourcanvas, Lord?  If I am to fulfill my purpose and plan I must surrender to You, listen to You, and allow You to show me the way.

Exodus 35:31-32:  …and He has filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding, with knowledge and with all kinds of skills to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, in cutting jewels for setting, in carving wood, and to work in all manner of artistic workmanship.

Ephesians 2:10:  For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

Proverbs 22:29:  Do you see a man who excels in his work?  He will stand before kings; he will not stand before unknown men.

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Look it Up!

March 21, 2020    (Post #32)

(From Journal #3:  September 16, 2005)

Benign.  How I’ve wrestled with this word ever since the surgery when I know I heard an angel whisper in my ear, “Don’t worry; it’s benign” and yet the biopsy diagnosed cancer?  The “conflicting reports” have had me confused, but I still chose to trust what I heard and asked You to help me understand.  And then today, You gave me clarity.

I was working on something in the office and all of a sudden in my spirit, I heard the Holy Spirit ask me, “What does benign mean?”  My immediate response was “not cancerous.”  And I heard, “Really?  Look it up!”  In obedience, I got out the dictionary and literally looked it up.  And to my surprise:

  1. of kindly disposition, gracious
  2. showing or expressive of gentleness or kindness
  3. favorable; propitious
  4. clement; beneficial
  5. not malignant

Lord, “not cancerous or malignant” is the fifth definition!  It also means a favorable condition, a good omen, a good outcome!  The angel was telling me that things would turn out favorably and they have and continue to.  There is no conflicting report.  It is benign!  Praise You, Jesus!

Matthew 10:27:  “What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.”

Psalm 5:3:  In the morning, O Lord, You hear my voice; in the morning, I lay my requests before You and wait in expectation.

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Do it Like Daniel

March 28, 2020  (Post #33)

(From Journal #3:  September 17, 2005)

I read a scripture in Daniel this morning that I’ve read many times, but today I noticed something new.  It’s when Daniel had prayed and it took the angel of the Lord 21 days to arrive because he’d been fighting a demonic spirit.  I’ve always seen that the Lord heard Daniel right away and answered his prayer immediately, but sometimes there’s a lapse of time between God’s hearing and ordering the answer and when we receive it.  But today, I saw more.

Daniel 10:10-13:  A hand touched me and set me trembling on my hands and knees. He said, “Daniel, you who are highly esteemed, consider carefully the words I am about to speak to you, and stand up, for I have now been sent to you.” And when he said this to me, I stood up trembling. Then he continued, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them. But the prince of the Persian kingdom resisted me twenty-one days. Then Michael, one of the chief princes, came to help me, because I was detained there with the king of Persia.

This shows me that praying to God about problems is different from setting my mind to gain understanding and humbling myself before God.  You showed me that too often my “prayers” are mostly grumbling and complaining ABOUT people or situations rather than truly praying FOR them.  That’s my pride basically telling You what You “need” to do about situations instead of seeing the things in me that need to change.  Forgive me, Lord, for all the times I have not come before You with a mind that wants Your wisdom to understand, or with a heart of humility that truly seeks Your will and ways.

1 Peter 5:5-7  …“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”  Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

Psalm 25:9:  He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them His way.

Psalm 66:18:  If I regard iniquity in my heart, The Lord will not hear.

James 4:3:  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

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The Gift that Hurts


April 5, 2020  (Post #34)
(From Journal #3:  September 19, 2005)

I recently bought a very pretty necklace with matching earrings.  While they were costume jewelry, they were very nice and expensive and I couldn’t wait to wear them. So, I wore them to church and had several compliments.  But when a wonderful woman named Kay complimented the jewelry, I heard in my spirit, “Give them to her.”  My immediate reaction was, “Excuse me?  I just bought them!  Surely, I misunderstood You?”  

All week, that thought of “Give them to her” kept popping into my head, so I knew it was the Holy Spirit convicting me.  So, yesterday I wrapped them up and took them to church and gave them to her.  I confess my selfishness that I really liked them and wanted to keep them.  But I am so glad I obeyed You.  Because at the moment I did give them to her, I felt my heart change.  I was glad and really wanted her to have them.  I pray they bless her and bring her joy.

Thank You for blessing me by showing me how to give something I really wanted to keep.  I’m good at giving things I no longer need or want – but giving something new that I wanted to keep stretched me.  You’ve shown me that “painless” giving from abundance, or giving something not really valuable to me is different from sacrificial giving. Both can be a blessing to the receiver.  But if we learn to truly give from the heart, especially when it hurts, we’ll be blessed and never have a “heart” problem giving from abundance.  It may have been a test, Lord?  I think I passed!?!  

The full moon has been incredible the past two nights; Your light shines always.  Thank You so much for shining on me and working on my selfish heart.

Luke 21:1-4:  As Jesus looked up, He saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. “Truly I tell you,” He said, “this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”

1 Chronicles 21:24:  Then King David said to Ornan, “No, but I will surely buy it for the full price, for I will not take what is yours for the LORD, nor offer burnt offerings with that which costs me nothing.”

Genesis 4:2-5:  …Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering He did not look with favor…

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You Never Know Who’s Watching

April 12, 2020  (Post #35)

(From Journal #3:  October 3, 2005)

Been in Atlanta for several days to attend the wedding of my dear friend’s daughter, which was held in the North Georgia Mountains on Saturday.  On Sunday morning, I left the mountains in time to get back to Atlanta to attend a church I’d been wanting to visit. I was able to make the 12:30 service and it was a great sermon and I’m glad I went, but it was after church that something really special happened. 

Since the church was close to where I used to live, I decided to go to a restaurant in Roswell we used to love.  It was already 2:00 but they served until 3:00, so I decided to have a late lunch.  I sat by the window and two ladies came in and sat in front of me.  One seemed in her 50s and the other elderly, about my mother’s age. (Later I learned she was 87.)  It touched my heart for missing my own sweet mom and I felt the Holy Spirit leading me to buy their lunch, so I told the waitress I wanted to do that.  She told them their lunch was covered. They were grateful and I moved my chair and visited with them, told them where I was from, etc. “Brenda” had adopted “Miss Martha” like a mom.  It was so sweet.  Turns out, Brenda attends the church I just visited.

As I went back to my table and began to leave, the lady sitting behind me spoke up and said, “Texas angel, you guys have made my day.”  “Pam” was from Houston and had moved to Atlanta for a job and was very unhappy because she hadn’t found people to be very friendly.  Her daughter was in grad school in Dallas and told her she needed to move to Plano, Allen, or McKinney!  I told her I was from McKinney and gave her my contact information so if she came out I would drive her around and show her the area.

She went on and on about how what she’d witnessed was the most uplifting thing she’d seen in a long time.  She’d even thought about visiting the same church service I’d just visited but she thought the restaurant would be closed afterward if she did.  Even the waitress said she felt like crying.  If this woman Pam stays in Atlanta, she now knows Brenda if she goes to church.  If she moves to the Dallas area, she’ll know me.  We’ll see how this plays out.

It was all You, Lord.  I think we had a “divine appointment.”  We never know what a “random act of kindness” can produce.  Lord, we both know I’m no angel! But I pray I produced some good fruit that only comes from You in and through me, not of myself.  I’m blessed and grateful to have had a part in it. 

Matthew 5:16:  Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.

Hebrews 13:16:  But do not forget to do good and to share, for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.

1 Corinthians 16:14: Let all that you do be done with love.

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There’s an Order to the Armor

April 19, 2020   (Post #36)

(From Journal #3:  October 31, 2005)

As Christians, we so often talk about “putting on the armor of God” but You showed me that the armor has an order to it.  First, there must be truth.  Then we need righteousness, which cannot exist without truth.  And our feet cannot support truth or righteousness without the readiness that only comes from the gospel of peace.  If truth, righteousness and peace aren’t in place, I cannot effectively raise the shield of faith or wield the sword of the Spirit.

I’ve been trying to use my sword and shield without having the foundation of my armor in peace.  Without my belt of truth, I don’t even see the true enemy.  Without righteousness, I cannot operate in obedience and love.  Without my feet ready to stand firm on the gospel of peace, I will only have strife, fear and unbelief.  How could I possibly have a sword that is sharp and effective without faith, or a shield of faith without my body armor?

The belt, breastplate and shoes are body armor.  The shield and the sword are weapons of war.  The helmet of salvation protects our minds as we boldly stand in the authority of Jesus and on His Word.  I must be sure to “cover” and protect my body with truth, righteousness, and peace before I take my weapons into battle.

Ephesians 6:10-18: Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints—

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Don’t Cherish the Sin!

April 25, 2020 (Post #37)

(From Journal #3:  November 1, 2005)

This morning as I read the Word, Psalm 66:16-20 spoke so powerfully to me:

“Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what He has done for me.  I cried out to Him with my mouth; His praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, Who has not rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!”

The phrase “cherished sin” really jumped out at me.  What does it mean to cherish sin?  One definition describes cherish as to harbor, entertain, possess, hold on to, cling to, keep in one’s mind, foster, or nurture.  Wow, Lord!  This hit me between the eyes.

So often we pray about people and situations, but we “cherish” sin while we’re praying. We pray to You but we’re not really willing to lay down some things.  If we’re honest, we’re holding on to unforgiveness, anger, resentment, bad habits, addictions, unhealthy relationships, lack of self-discipline, greed, reckless spending and bad stewardship, and even downright laziness.

Lord, help me to be honest with myself about any sin I may be cherishing in my heart when I come to You in prayer, that my prayers are not hindered!

Psalm 26:2:   Test me, Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind;

Psalm 32:5:   I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I have not hidden. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and You forgave the iniquity of my sin.

Psalm 139:23-24:   Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

2 Corinthians 13:5:  Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you–unless, of course, you fail the test? 

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Planting in Faith

May 3, 2020  (Post #38)

(From Journal #3:  December 7, 2005)

So much happened over the past week.  While in Atlanta visiting Pam, the strange pain that’s been off/on in my right side began to hurt about 10:00 p.m. and it didn’t ease at all.  By 2:30 a.m. it had become excruciating.  I’d been praying for hours and wisdom told me to wake Pam and go to the hospital.  Appendicitis kept coming to my mind.  The ER doctor feared appendicitis too because I had an elevated white blood count, and he would not release me without a CT scan.  He said the scan didn’t give a clear view of the appendix but he felt it was okay.  Thank You, Jesus!  I’d told him about being diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma and he saw one of the lymph nodes as 2×2.5 cm?  I believe that’s even more shrinkage from my last scan!

It was about 8:00 a.m. when we got back to Pam’s and just a few minutes after, I got a call from a friend in Texas.  She said she woke up around 4:00 a.m. with me on her heart and she’d been praying for me that morning and wanted to know if I was okay?  I was in the ER at that time waiting for the CT scan!  I know You woke her to pray for me and against the attack on my body!  Bless her for her faithfulness to pray and intercede for me.  I am so grateful Lord!  

I was glad to get back home finally but fatigued and a little overwhelmed from the pain and ER experience.  As an act of faith on healing, Saturday I worked outside in the yard most of the day.  I dug up off-shoots of crepe myrtles and replanted them where I want them to grow.  I planted mums and 5 flats of pansies. I could not have done this without Your strength. 

There was something very healing about planting and expecting these things to live, grow and thrive, especially the crepe myrtles.  It’s like planting little sprouts of faith expecting them to grow deep roots and grow tall, strong, and beautiful.  I worked like a healed, energetic, pain-free, focused person and it felt like I was making a statement to the enemy that he is defeated!  Thank You for being my healer!

Luke 8:15: But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.

1 Corinthians 3:7:  So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.

Ephesians 6:18:  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

Romans 8:26:  In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

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Faith, Fear or Pride?

May 10, 2020   (Post #39)

(From Journal #3:  December 28, 2005)

Since the ER visit, things have been moving pretty fast. I had a colonoscopy and everything was perfect; thank You, Jesus!  I also saw the oncologist and had yet another CT scan.  But there’s still nothing showing as the cause for the pain in my side?  My lymph nodes haven’t grown back any, but they haven’t shrunk further either.  For this reason, the doctor suggests another round of Rituxan and he scheduled it for January.  This afternoon I see the surgeon again because it appears I have developed a hernia at the surgery sight, so now I have this to deal with too.  

I know I am healed.  I always felt in my spirit that one round of immunotherapy is all that would be needed. What is Your will for me, Lord?  I don’t want to refuse treatment to “prove that I have faith” to others that I believe I’m healed. That would be about me, my pride, and stubbornness. That would be foolish and dangerous and isn’t true faith.  I don’t want to take treatments I don’t really need and risk side effects. But I also don’t want to refuse them out of fear of side effects. Help me make this decision based on faith and wisdom, not from fear, unbelief, or pride.

A few days ago, Pastor Rob emailed to wish us a Merry Christmas.  That opened the door for me to seek his counsel about what to do.  He helped me so much to put the confusion to rest.  You are not the author of confusion. I feel peaceful and confident about treatments.  I’ll take them with the same faith I did before.  This is about my FAITH IN YOU, not faith in my faith…

1 Corinthians 14:33:  For God is not the author of confusion but of peace…”

Philippians 4:6-7:  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Psalm 32:8:  I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye.

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Waiting Room or Witness Room?

May 17, 2020  (Post #40)

(From Journal #3:  January 7, 2006)

I started treatments again a few days ago, and I’m so grateful that I did not have the allergic reaction this time! When I saw the surgeon, he confirmed I do have a hernia but he does not want to repair it until he’s sure I won’t need to have surgery again for the lymphoma.  I’m believing I won’t. 

Lord, You brought three precious people across my path yesterday in the waiting room!  My heart especially ached for the older little man.  Oh, how You must love him!  I got to lay my hand on his arm and agree with him that he’s okay – healed!  The other man seemed so sad and tired.  Heal his body, Lord.  I shook his hand and told him I’d pray for him.  The lady who was sitting close by, I didn’t get to physically touch, but I pray she could feel Your Holy Spirit reaching out to her and the other two through me, and that Your healing power is working in all of them! 

It’s hard to believe it was one year ago today when I had the body scan that discovered non-Hodgkins lymphoma. Oh, how much has transpired, Lord!  What a journey we’ve been on and are still taking.  You are my healer; You are my everything.  I have learned so much this year and feel so much closer to You.  I’ve certainly not handled everything as I should, but Your grace and mercy have led me, taught me, and matured me.

Proverbs 12:25:  Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.

Ephesians 6:18:  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

1 Thessalonians 5:11:  Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.

Galatians 6:2:  Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.